Indigo Mateo

Album "Intuition" Streaming Everywhere

6. Let Your Community Love On You

Accepting help from others is one way to send signals of worthiness to your mind. Many people who go through troubling times have a hard time finding themselves worthy of other people’s time, energy, resources and money.

As long as you are willing to accept what others give you regarding support getting through your situation, then it is never in vain. Not only is it good practice to ask for help where you need it, but also accept help where you didn’t know you needed it. Let yourself be receptive to all the elements of healing that your mind, body and soul are yearning for.

Ways to let us love you:

  • Broaden your perspective on how people can support you. It can be time, energy or resources. Don’t be so quick to turn down offers and be comfortable asking for help.

  • Stay open to the possibility of being lifted up, without beating yourself up for being “too much”. When your friend says something positive about you say “I receive it” instead of “Bitch, I’m a mess!” lol

  • Recognize and remember all the times you helped someone out and felt great about being a contribution. Now it’s someone’s opportunity to be that for you!

Indigo’s Insight:

It was in college when a vulnerable moment unleashed the epiphany of a lifetime: The molestation I experienced at the age of 4 was deserving of more attention than silence and punishment. My friend had me over and made it clear that she was there to listen to me. I disclosed to her about what I experienced as a kid and that the incident was hidden from my family members, which made the harm done to me feel diminished and swept under the rug. I vividly remember sitting on my homegirl’s red couch our sophomore year and she sternly looked at me affirming, “You were worth the family breaking apart… You were worth your dad breaking shit and everything being a mess. Fuck that.” It was her words that snapped me out of being a victim and re-introduced me to my innate worthiness. She reminded me of my inner warrior and the stakes of my safety. She stood up for my inner child in a way I didn’t know how to yet. I didn’t know I needed an ear about that tucked away memory, but I did.

5. Chill on the Self-blame

First of all, this blog has taken me a year to post because it took me that long to really wrap my head around it. This is about sanitizing your thought process of self blame after experiencing trauma. We can take responsibility for ourselves AND our actions without being made responsible for actions, and specifically harm done to us, beyond our control.

Blaming yourself for events that happened to you keeps you looking back painfully instead of moving on with your goals, purpose and life. By listening to victim-blaming narratives, you may feel like you are carrying the heaviest weight in the world and have a block between you and your healing. Try thinking about the serenity prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Self blame comes up vigorously in toxic relationships, where we blame ourselves for not being the right partner or friend to make a relationship work or be healthy. In those instances I urge you to ask, “what is realistically in my control?” and really make a discernment on what you can do for your own safety, and mental peace.

How to Chill on the Self-Blaming:

  • Relate, Reimagine, Repeat. Relate to your own feelings of shame with a compassionate heart. If it was a friend, what advice would you give? Reimagine the situation from any other angle than self blame, this will help you get out of a downward spiral. Repeat. Do this until you have clarity about what you’re able to let go/ what’s not yours to carry.

  • Make a phone call to someone you trust. Ask them to help you change your language when you’re blaming yourself instead of stating events as they happened.

  • Re-frame victim-blaming reactions and narratives you hear from others and society. Even if it is silently. Don’t let those comments pervade your mental by literally creating an alternate response in your head and sharing it, or not.

Indigo’s Insight:

I had been blaming myself for drinking too much the night I was raped. It took a couple days for me to completely recollect what had happened to me and what I did. Desperately trying to recount the “terrible night” I had, a friend said “It sounds like you were kidnapped.” That was the type of realization or re-frame I didn’t come to because I was applying full self blame to what transpired that night. Once I allowed the victim blaming to stop in my own head, I sure as hell wasn’t willing to let other people blame me for what I didn’t want, ask for, or do. An intimidated/coerced, drunk, sleeping, minor, or drugged person cannot consent to sex. Let the facts resurface and scrub your brain of self blame!